Today I’m continuing my two-part series on what to do with mom guilt, which can be applied to any kind of guilt really, whether you’re a mom, aunt, friend, coworker, wife, etc. Yesterday I addressed dealing with misplaced guilt and you can read about here if you missed it. Today we’ll look at dealing with guilt when we’ve truly done something wrong.
When my first baby girl was just a newborn, I was so smitten, I’d cuddle her while looking into her little angel face with much pleasure, thinking, ‘I don’t see how we’ll ever be upset with each other. I could never get mad at her or hurt her feelings. We’re going to be the best of friends!’
Are you laughing yet? Yep, my girls laughed too when I first told them this story! We laughed together. Because I have NOT been that perfect mom! In my new mommy bliss, I really thought I would be the most loving mother every day of their lives, but it didn’t take long before I realized that it was humanly impossible to never mess up in my parenting. I have disappointed my kids, gotten upset and impatient with them, and, sadly, have hurt their feelings. Many, many times.
And I know I’m not alone. Countless times over the years I’ve been around a table with other weary mamas as we all confess and lament our impatience and shortcomings. We tend to operate under the assumption that ‘I’m a horrible mom and all other moms have it together and never lose their cool’.
One evening a young mom in a little dinner group expressed such heartache and sorrow over a frustrating day with her kids, and, one by one, we each assured her that we too have blown it and lost our patience with our children. She then looked over to the most quiet mom in our group who is known for her meek and gentle spirit and said, “Wait, you too?”, to which the mom replied, “Oh, yes, me too.”
We certainly were not excusing our behavior to the young mom just because “we all mess up”. We did make it clear that while the struggle is real, we don’t throw our hands up and quit trying to do better. But it does bring comfort to know we’re not alone in our mom fail moments, doesn’t it!
I once heard a preacher say he gave a sermon on anger and 20 people came forward at the end of service to confess their sin in this area. He then added that 17 of them were moms of little ones. Get the picture? I’m sure these 17 mamas didn’t walk down that isle full of joy that day–they were burdened and heavy hearted, just like my young mama friend at the dinner table.
This kind of mom guilt isn’t the misplaced guilt over things out of our control as we talked about yesterday; this guilt is our sorrow for our own faults–when we truly act in violation to God’s law on how to honor Him and treat others. This guilt can be so heavy and suffocating, can’t it?
But…. WE DON’T STAY THERE.
Apostle Paul gives some practical instruction on how to respond to our true guilt in 2 Corinthians 7, and it boils down to this: GODLY SORROW vs. WORLDLY SORROW.
In 2 Corinthians 7:1-8, Paul speaks to the church of Corinth about the need for cleansing the flesh and spirit from all filthiness, and commends them on their repentance, adding that it brought him comfort during his trials. In verses 9-11, he goes on to explain the difference between godly sorrow and worldly sorrow.
9″Now I rejoice, not that you were made sorry, but that your sorrow led to repentance. For you were made sorry in a godly manner, that you might suffer loss from us in nothing.
10 For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death.
11 For observe this very thing, that you sorrowed in a godly manner: What diligence it produced in you, what clearing of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what vehement desire, what zeal, what vindication! In all things you proved yourselves to be clear of this matter.
So let’s break this down:
Godly sorrow:
A sorrow of remorse, not full of regret!
Produces: repentance which leads to salvation, diligence, clearing of ourselves, indignation, fear (alarm of evil), vehement desire, zeal, vindication.
Resulting in: Being clear of the matter.
Worldly Sorrow:
A sorrow full of regret only.
Produces: DEATH (only!)
Resulting in: DEATH (only!)
Wow, what a difference!
Godly sorrow is a GOD-like response to our sin. It’s productive! It gets us out of the pit. It tells us to take responsibility for our actions, apologize to whomever we’ve hurt or harmed, change our ways, move forward, and be better.
Worldy sorrow is the world’s hopeless reaction to sin. The only thing it produces is DEATH–not a physical death (although it can ultimately affect our physical health), but a spiritual death because it keeps us low, low, low in a dark pit of shame, grief, and self-pity! Worldly sorrow actually takes the focus off the person we’ve wronged and puts it on ourselves–“Woe is me!”
I’ve been in that pit before, asking God crazy questions like “Why did you give me these kids if I was just going to be a bad mom to them?” or claiming, “I’ll never be good enough, Lord!” I used to plop on the bed at night, crying to my husband, “I failed again today! I’m a horrible mom.”
This is death to our hearts which only makes things worse for ourselves and also for our loved ones who have to live with our pity party each day.
Yes, we should feel remorse and sorrow for our sinful actions, but only in the healthy way God intended and not in the way satan manipulates to keep us low in our sin. Sure, some sins will have bigger consequences that we need to deal with in cleaning up our mistakes and bad choices, but with the gift of salvation, even if we have to deal with those consequences our whole lives (which would only be in the most dramatic cases of sin), and even if a person never forgives us, God will forgive us and our reward will be in heaven.
The younger me had to come to terms with the messiness of motherhood, but I eventually realized that even though I could not possibly be a perfect mom, I could apologize to my children for my offenses, which I try to take care of on the spot. And you know what? My daughter once told me that it’s the apologies she remembers more than the offenses.
So take heart, mamas! Don’t let satan keep you in the pit. God is standing over us with His outstretched arm, ready to pull us out of our guilt and shame to a better place. Apologize to your kiddos, clean up your mess, make the day better, learn from your mistakes, stay in the Word, and press forward!
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