The Importance of Family Identity in the Life of a Child

As part of my ongoing (yet slow) series on adoption, I’d like to share today some about the idea of FAMILY IDENTITY. And if your children aren’t adopted, this concept applies to your parenting as well! Most of this post is taken from a speech I’ve given at some events for our adoption agency, so for those of you who may have already heard me speak on this, my apologies.

Often when people find out that our son is adopted, a common question my husband and I get asked is, “How long did your adoption take?”, meaning the legal process. The paperwork. Well, to answer that question I suppose I would calculate the time from the first day we filed a petition to adopt our son to our day in court when the judge declared us to be his legal parents….on paper.

But that is not how I can answer the question because our adoption journey has been much more that legal paperwork. In fact, our adoption story began long before adoption was ever on our radar with some wise and timely advice which we received from a friend at church who also happened to be the director of the adoption agency through which my husband and I would one day serve as foster parents and later adopt our son.

It happened one Sunday morning. Our first child was four years old and was going through a little phase of separation anxiety so that dropping her off at Bible class each week was not easy. There was crying and clinging and pleading and it always made for quite a scene. Finally, one Sunday morning, after having observed another of our failed attempts at a smooth drop-off, our qualified friend stopped Joel in the hall and offered this:

“It’s OK that your child wants to be with you. It’s OK that she doesn’t want to leave your sight right now. It MEANS….that she identifies with you as her family and with your values, and THAT’S A GOOD THING. Not all children have a family to identify with and feel safe with.”

Our friend’s words that day marked a pivotal point in our parenting, and, unbeknownst to us, would be seed planted for a future assignment from God. He had pointed out to us that what we saw as maybe an unhealthy behavior, was actually a healthy bond between parent and child, design by God.

Now, don’t misunderstand; our friend was not talking about giving into tantrums or spoiled clinginess. He was talking about security. FAMILY IDENTITY. And it would be that family identification that would serve as a foundation in navigating our daughter through this and all the challenges that inevitably come during a child’s growing up years.

Fast forward from that day in the Sunday school hall through the next ten years of welcoming a second daughter into our family, becoming foster parents, and then adopting our son.

We adopted our little boy at the age of three after he’d been living in a group home, and at that time, he had absolutely no concept of family identity. He was looking everywhere for “who do I belong to?”, yet he couldn’t immediately accept belonging to us. Going out in public was very stressful on all of us, including our girls. He had no concerns of “stranger danger” and probably would have walked off with just about anyone who looked like fun.

Joel took him for a haircut one day, something they’ve done together since even before his adoption. Now, this little guy was very cute and could charm the socks off of anyone (and he knew it–one of his previous coping mechanisms which I’ll speak on in another post.). On this day he finally charmed the hairstylist to the point of her gushing and saying, “Oh, you wanna just come home with me?”, to which our son replied, “Well, do you have a pool?”

Needless to say, we had some work to do. But remember, ten years earlier, our adoption director friend had pointed out to us what that should look like and so we knew our goal! And I guess now you might be wanting to know how we achieved that goal–how we created family identity for a child who had never experienced such a foreign idea. Well, in addition to our great and mighty God, a loving Savior in Whom we can do all things He calls us to do, and along with a storehouse of information we obtained through our foster care training and continued support from our adoption agency, there was one more piece.

But in order to explain that special piece, I have to take you back to the question, “How long did your adoption take?”

My answer is this: We are still in the adoption process.

Because the moment the judge declares the adoption final, does not automatically seal the deal in the child’s heart and our foster and adoption training taught us that to make that assumption would completely underestimate what the child has gone through before arriving in their new home. And since our day in court, we have spent the last 8 1/2 years reassuring our son over and over and over again that we are who we say we are. We are his family.

And isn’t that like our spiritual adoption through Christ? I mean, the adoption is complete, the sacrifice has been made, we ARE HIS children now. And yet, we still doubt, act out, and test at times? But God lovingly pursues us and proves Himself to us over and over and over again. This is that special piece in creating family identity–following God’s own example of how He gives us identity in Him through loving pursuit.

So, where are we now? Well, a while back, my son and I were at the grocery store. We were at the checkout, and I told him he could walk over to return the shopping cart while I paid. There was a huge crowd at the store that day, but our checkout line was close enough to the cart return that I could keep an eye on him his whole way over there and back. Now, in the early days after we’d adopted him, a crowded grocery store would have been an absolute playground for this kid! He would have worked that entire room like a pro, charming every person he passed, shopping for new mommies (“mommy-shopping” is a real thing, y’all!), and even hugging and grabbing the hands of strangers. But, on this day, he got about halfway through the crowd, turned around, came back to my side, leaned in, and quietly said, “I think I’ll just wait until you’re finished paying so we can go together.” He found safety by my side. I was the one in the room he identified with, and I whispered thanks to God for such sweet progress.

Now, of course this is not to say we don’t still have more mountains to climb with and for our son. We know there will be many more growing-up challenges ahead, as all children and teens encounter. But, this boy is one of us! He’s of our family and he knows it now, and he feels it and he identifies with it which will allow him to trust us to walk him through those challenges. We’re his pack!

I pray this post has been an encouragement to someone today. As a follow up to this post, next Tuesday I’ll cover some lighter, every day examples of family identity that say, “This us who we are!”