Creating a Family Identity

Good morning, friends! As a follow-up to my post on the importance of family identity in a child’s life, I’d like to share some ideas for creating that identity. I am in no way a trained expert; these are just some ideas that Joel and I have found to work for our family. And although I have given this post a lot of thought, I haven’t been able to give it much time in the writing, so it’s by no means polished and tidy. I’ll just be speaking from the heart as if we’re sitting here together over coffee or tea.

Back when we went through foster care training, in one of the classes the topic of family identity came up as an important element to carrying your current family through the changes and challenges of bringing foster children into your home. We were to consider what made our family tick, what made us US! If we and the children already in our home (in our case, our 2 girls) had a strong sense of who we were as a family unit, we would have a better chance of doing well with the disruption, and the child coming into our home would have something solid to latch on to, not immediately, but gradually.

Ok, so how do we do create the family identity? Well, it takes time, and the best way is just to start doing things together! With every day, every month, every year, just being together creates family rhythms, family interests, family language, family memories, and family faith.

Family rhythms will develop with just your everyday life. It’s the getting up and starting the morning routine together, the time talking and riding in the car to work and school. Coming back home together for after-school snack. Gathering around the table for dinner and then cleaning the kitchen. It’s Monday night baseball practice and Wednesday night Bible class. It’s movie and popcorn on Friday and games on Saturday. It’s Sunday morning worship and a good meal after church, naps or other leisure activities that afternoon. It’s Bible stories and prayers at bedtime, and kisses goodnight. It’s the work and play and everyday living we do together, and it’s just the matter of doing it all over and over again in a household that creates the (mostly) predictable rhythms which give some security and togetherness in the family.

Family interests are hobbies that our family enjoys as a whole or individual hobbies for each family member that the rest of us support and encourage. Whether you have children already established in the home or newly adopted children transitioning into your family, studying your child (just like studying your spouse in marriage) will help you see their interests and passions so you can learn, support, and be involved in what they enjoy. Do they like reading, art, music, sports, games, playing, baking, watching movies? Also, introducing them to our own interests is a good idea too. They often like to do what we do so they might just enjoy being invited into our hobbies too. There are some hobbies that everyone in our family enjoys equally like movies, hiking, travel, animals, and reading. But then there are some like soccer for our daughter where she is the one who is passionate about the activity, but it’s become a family affair to be at the field to support her, hang out with the other families, and cheer for her and her team. Her hobby has become part of our whole family identity and we love it! Same with our oldest daughter and her years in theater, and same with our son and his hobby-of-the-month, haha!

Family language is the way we communicate by way of inside jokes, quirky humor, favorite movie or TV quotes worked into conversation, and knowing each other’s love languages so we can respond appropriately and sensitively. These just take time together. The longer we live together and have experiences together, the more material we have to work with and add to our growing family language. For instance, our family has been watching The Andy Griffith Show on Friday nights since our oldest was a toddler, so by the time we adopted our son, we could carry on a whole conversation with just AG lines! I remember the first time we watched AG with our little guy. Our girls were so excited to have him join us for his very first Andy Griffith night and they had all the episodes planned out. Well, it was a disaster. He was little and not used to black and white TV, so it didn’t interest him at all, and he ran around the room hollering the whole time. We decided that on Friday nights, we’d still watch Andy Griffith for the girls, but he could play in his bedroom or color at the table. Fast forward several months later when one night he threw out a Barney Fife line and we all just cracked up laughing! It was the cutest thing! And we all said, “He’s definitely a *Smith* now!” (Not our real last name)

Family memories are so sweet, aren’t they? This point could sort of be a repeat of rhythms, interests, and language because each of those creates memories for sure! But let’s talk about the planned memories like birthdays, anniversaries, special outings, and vacations. Those kinds of occasions deserve special thought and preparation. And they don’t have to be expensive! But putting some planning and effort into special days shows our kiddos they are worth the effort, and it also gives them an excitement and anticipation–something to look forward to! I love a routine–boy, do I love a routine! And while routines give a sense of security, planned special occasions give us an opportunity to experience something out of the ordinary like picnics, day trips, birthday parties, vacations, movie marathon days, adoption-versary! It never fails that when my husband and I plan something like this, it seems to end up turning into the busiest week possible and with all kinds of reasons to cancel. But then we and the kids come home with a refreshed sense of who we are as a family and the sweetest memories! So, just start planning those special days and before you know it, you’ll start hearing your kiddos using phrases like, “Hey, remember when we ……!?”

Family faith has most certainly been our most grounding piece of our family identity, because it’s our true individual identity! God is our Father, so our family identity ultimately lies in Him. As a family we worship together, pray together, and study the Bible together and that starts with the leading of the parents. The idea of parents teaching their faith to their children has become a controversial topic these days, but I’m going to confidently say that we absolutely need to share our faith with our children! Joel and I not only teach our children what we believe about God and what we believe the Bible says as we all read it together, but more importantly, we’ve tried to teach them how to study the Bible for themselves, so they develop their own relationship with God and not just recite what we’ve told them. When our daughter approached her young adult years, she was introduced to some confusing ideas about religion, but she was able to study for herself and defend her beliefs successfully. We don’t all agree 100% on every detail, and we don’t have to, but as a whole our family faith is solid and carries us through life’s trials together. For the adopted child who may not have had a faith background, this may take some time, but with gentle consistency, their hearts may just be pricked by the Lord from what they see in their parents.

Before I close, I asked my husband what he remembers about how we helped our son feel like his identity was with us and these are some points he made just off the top of his head:

~Putting him in the family rotation for getting to choose the movie, game, or restaurant.

~Purposefully including him in our work or play even when it made it more difficult.

~Laughing at his jokes! Even on his toughest days, we couldn’t deny he had a good sense of humor and it was really cute. Laughing at his jokes made him feel like he had an important place in the family.

~Meeting him where he was and not rushing him.

~When people commented that he looked like one of us or acted like one of us, we didn’t automatically tell them he was adopted but accepted it. “You have your mama’s blue eyes” or “You got your daddy’s sense of humor”. We usually just responded with, “Yes, he does!”

Alright my friends. There you have it! A very humble list from a mom who has made allll the mistakes and then some, but by the grace of God has, with my family, known the blessing of “This is who we are!”